Junior Apprentice: Week 3, Mitzi's Perspective

I don’t know how that man could do it. Such a lovely boy! How could Sir Alan Lord Sugar get rid of Rhys? He had such a nice smile and lovely manners! And he spoke so clearly. And his lovely little face. And he’s just a schoolboy! I cried myself to sleep last night after he’d been fired (not for the first time – and not for the first time thanks to Sir Alan Lord Sugar: that man!).

And it’s not just Lord Alan I’m cross with – it’s the other members of Rhys’s team. The way they ganged up against him. And all because he was such a good leader! He did everything right in my opinion. Whenever anyone had an idea, he’d say: that’s a good idea, do that. Very encouraging. And when he wasn’t approving other people’s ideas, he was walking around looking very upright and serious, just like a young Prince Charles. Again, very encouraging. And in the board room at the end, I thought he behaved with great dignity, when he accused everyone else of being in the wrong. To me he was a Noble Schoolboy.

In fact, speaking of schoolboys. I think it’s quite unfair that all the growns-ups, Sir Alan and Lady Karen and Nick, wear such grown up clothes. It must be very frightening for those kids! I’d like to see Sir Alan and the other two wearing school uniform to put the apprentices at their ease – I’d very much like to see Sir Alan and Nick wearing school uniforms.

They could both wear caps, with muddy cheeks, and dirty knees even! And Nick’s got a lovely cheeky grin. There could even be a ‘spin-off’ series, I think they call it, where Sir Alan and Nick get into scrapes, but it’s all OK in the end. And then viewers could write in to get to give them both a lovely tea – I’d certainly write in to do that, and so would some of the other ladies in the Home. I’d like to give Nick a great big tea. Really fill his plate. Watch him gobble it all down and then ask for “More, please, auntie!” I could really enjoy watching him tucking into buns and things. And so could some of the other ladies.

VERDICT: Absolutely no, not guilty, Rhys! Sir Alan Sugar should have got rid of one of the girls, as girls haven’t got a head for business.

Actually, I was also upset that Adam left as well. I think he’d eaten too many of those cakes and got a tummy ache, a bit like Nick might do if he ate too much of my tea. I’d quite like to give Adam a big tea, when he’s a bit older.

My Faith Restored in the British Legal System

I have had a sword hanging over me, literally. By which I mean, the sword of Dolly Finegold. Dolly took me to the Committee at the Home, claiming that I stole her special cake from her son.

I was due to appear before the Committee today at one o’clock. And Michael arrived at twelve to prepare our case. I’d been feeling under a lot of stress so I’m the first to admit I’d frassed a number of fishballs (13) in order to relax me.

Anyway, Michael took me into the small television room to prepare my case (just like they do in LA Law). I ate a few more fishballs (6) and he looked me in the eye and said, Auntie Mitzi, did you steal Dolly’s cake? Suddenly, I couldn’t lie to him – he’s such a nosh! And he visits me twice a week (except when he goes to Pirates for his back). I admitted everything! I said, Oh Michael, darling, I did steal the cake! But I regret it, oh I regret it, darling! (And then I told him what I also regretted – even more than the cake - was his marrying Louise. Because she’s a taker.)

Anyway, he looked very disappointed and said, Well, I don’t know what I’m going to say now to the Committee. Then the Committee called us in to the room next to the kitchen. And so there was I, eating fishballs; and there was Michael, who didn’t even know if he was going to defend me; and there was Dolly, my Accuser, sitting next to Margaret at the Committee table with all the other members!

Anyway, I was in such a state that I put the last four fishballs into my mouth all at once. But one ball squeezed out of my cheek, dropped and rolled on to the carpet; and then the heel of my slipper caught on it, and I tripped! Well! I went down bump! And as I went bump, I swallowed the other three fishballs and they went the wrong way down the left-hand side of my windpipe – and suddenly I couldn’t breath!

Everyone rushed over to me! Michael was saying, Auntie Mitzi, Auntie Mitzi! But there was nothing I could do, my windpipe was crammed tight with minced fish! I could see my life flash before me as I drowned in what, just a few seconds ago, had seemed a very flavoursome snack! I was struggling to mouth my last words to Michael (“Divorce her…divorce her…”), when suddenly I felt a pressure on my chest and – woosh! The wedged fishball flew out of my windpipe! I could breathe again! And then I think passed out.

When I woke up, there were Dolly and Michael sitting next to me at my bedside. Michael said Dolly had performed the Himmler Manoeuvre. The first thing I said was: I forgive you! To Dolly. She’d helped me in my hour of need and it was time to let bygones be bygones.

So now, Dolly and I are best friends again. I’ve forgiven her for reporting me to the Committee (though I can never forget as long as I live), and the Committee never reached a verdict, so I'm in the clear. Which makes me think Jeremy Kylie is right, Britain has the best Legal System of Justice in the world.

Junior Apprentice: Week 2, Mitzi's Perspective

Hallo Darling,

Another lovely episode of the Apprentice. The task this week was to try and make something that would be impossible under any circumstances to use when you're going camping - a message I approve of, because it's so dangerous nowadays.

Anyway, the kids came up with some wonderful ideas, including a chest of drawers that could dissolve in water and drown you, and a small tray with wheels, that you could trip up on and break your neck if you went for a you-know-what outside the tent during the night. The chest of drawers was absolutely lovely because it was made of reinforced cardboard (which I think is cardboard enforced with more cardboard), and also because you could keep your shoes in it: there's quite a lot of things you can say that about, you can keep your shoes in shoeboxes, after all, or cupboards, or plastic bags, or cars, but it was wonderful that Adam had thought to design something special to do this. I thought that showed great originality, and he's such a lovely boy.

I thought Lord Sir Alan Lord Sugar faced a very difficult decision in the boardroom. Zoe had done everything right, but she's confident and blonde, three things which always ring alarm bells (the three things being: confidence, blondeness and that she's a she). Of course, Lord Sir Alan was never going to get rid of Adam - he's cut from the same cloth and obviously reminds Sir Sugar not so much of what he was like when he was a boy himself, but of what he's like now himself - because he makes terrible business decisions. But I very much liked Hibah, she was incapable of saying anything good about anyone or anything, which to me is always a good human quality.

VERDICT: in the end, Sir Alan made the RIGHT decision for the second week running, though I regret that he keeps on saying 'with regret' which I don't believe for a second. I think that's his favourite bit of the show!

Finally, Nick's expressions have been even more horrid this series, I wonder if he's got something wrong with his bottom? Or just with his lips? Or are the two somehow connected?

The Apprentice: Week 1 (and Fishballs and the Election)

Sometimes people say to me, Oh Mitzi, it must get very dull being in the Home, there's nothing to do! I wish they could have been with me this week, and then see what they think. I'm literally breathless! I can't catch my breath because things have been happening so quickly around here.

Firstly, the new Apprentice started with Sir Alan Lord Sugar, which I every much enjoyed, though the contestants seem to get younger every year! That seems to be the way nowadays, everything for the youth! In fact, I even noticed on the BBC News they've made a schoolboy, Little Michael Gove I call him, to be the head of education! which I think is wonderful, because he'll know what children today really want. He's such a nosh, I can't tell you what I'd like to do to his cheeks. If he wanted to have a sleepover here, I'd be first in the queue.

Karen and Nick seem a bit frosty with one another, but then you can't expect too much from Nick, he only divorced Margaret a little while ago. As for the hairy chap who couldn't put together his lunch boxes because he had wind, I thought Sir Alan Lord Sugar was very unfair - I've had wind just like that and it's hard to put your mind to anything else.

But so the Apprentice starting, that's one thing that happened. Secondly, there's been a delay in my appearing before the Committee about stealing Dolly's special cake. Not till Monday week now. Anyway, for the next ten days I'm going to try and get Dolly to put aside all her differences with me in a 'spirit of unity', just like David Cameroon and Nick Legg did for the national good, and in order that they could beat Tony Brown and become Prime Ministers.

So that's another thing. THIRDLY, I haven't eat a single fishball for two days now as I've run out, apart from the ones I frass at night from my bedside table, which don't count.

Busy enough? I think so! Last night I didn't even have to cry myself to sleep like I usually do, I just fell off anyway. That's the kind of week it's been.I tell you, I wouldn't mind if I could do a swap with Cameroon and Legg. All they seem to do is sit around gassing and smiling and holding hands with one another or their dolly birds! I bet they wouldn't swap with me, they'd be exhausted!

It's Still All In The Balance!

Well darling, this is a fascinating situation! After all this time, we still don't really have a winner! I suspect a lot of negotiating between the various sides will be going on over the next few days and maybe then we'll have a real result. For the moment, though, it's impossible to predict and we'll just have to wait for a final verdict. For now, the big question is:

Will Dolly manage to prove to the Committee that I ate her special cake?

I'm so upset she's taken me to the Committee about it, I can't tell you. I hardly stole her cake at all, it's very unfair. And she's my Best Friend, or used to be! As I say, I'm so upset! Taking me to the Committee about one piece of cake!

As you probably know, darling, there are some very important men and women on the Committee. There's Mr Casanov, Benny Shooster, and of course Margaret, who runs the Home, is its Chairwoman, but in order that she absolutely isn't biased, her Personnel Officer and boyfriend Chichi sits on it as well. He's from the Dominican Republic, which I've got no idea where that is! But he's always very kind to all the ladies in the home, and very well dressed. He says he likes to buy 'the best quality everything' made by people with lovely labels, because he says then it doesn't feel bad against his skin (but he should worry! His skin's smooth as silk!). He's also Margaret's shopper because it turns out they can more or less wear the same clothes, even though, of course, they're different sexes and he's about twenty years younger than her (I shouldn't say it, but they've got the same size bust, because Margaret's as flat as a pancake).

Anyway, I'm so upset about this silly cake business! As you know, sweetheart, I normally cry myself to sleep, but I've not only been crying myself to sleep, I've been crying myself awake - and as a result, I've not had a wink of sleep! Thank God for the fish balls I've got on my bedside table - last night I frassed them and watched the General Election results show on the BBC; they do those kinds of things so well, it was almost as good as the Lottery show.

I'm still hoping Tony Brown will win the election once all the results are in later today, but it turns out I'm in a minority in the Home. All the old ladies love Nick Legg. In fact, during the election debate, Margaret had to switch the television off because a lot of the ladies were reacting so strongly to his policies that the chairs they sit in around the side of the room were scraping against the wall, and Margaret said she wasn't insured for that kind of wear and tear.

And no, still no luck on that stain in the bathroom, which gets bigger and bigger. I tasted it yesterday morning and it was a bit like fish food, but I don't have a fish! (only fishballs, but you don't have to feed them!) So where it comes from remains enigmatic in the extreme.