Another Whole Business with Louise

Once again, I’ve had nothing but grief and more grief, more grief again, and then yet more grief, and then even more grief – like a big bowl of grief chicken soup, with grief noodles

Michael, my lovely nephew, had arranged for Louise (his wife – and a one-hundred-per-cent cow) to bring their gorgeous little daughter Joanna (aged 6) round to the Home for me to babysit on Wednesday afternoon. I could tell as soon as she turned up that Louise hadn’t wanted to bring her but there was nothing she could do once Michael had arranged it

Anyway, the whole afternoon went very well, and at 6.30pm, on the dot, Louise arrived to pick her little daughter up to take her back home. Have you had a lovely time? She asked.

So then Joanna told her mother all the lovely things we’d done. I must say, I’d really spoiled her but then that’s what great-aunts are for! First we watched a new DVD from the library, a self-help one called Making A Living Will, which is useful no matter what age you are. Then we played kalooki together like we always do, though Joanna got a bit upset because she lost six months’ pocket money (which came to £16.75) - I play a-pound-a-hundred and Joanna doesn’t really understand about kings, queens and jacks. And then we had a lovely tea (I’d asked Margaret to set an extra place for her): celery soup (not grief soup!), and bread, and butter, and black coffee for dessert, a real spread.

Oh that sounds lovely! said Louise, and for once I thought we were going to say Goodbye without having words, when Joanna, who’s always putting her foot in it, said something about phoning Social Services.

Well that let the cat out of the bag. What do you mean, Social Services? Said Louise, in a funny voice, like she’d heard someone say an alien had landed from Mars! So I explained that once Louise had finished dropping Joanna off, I’d noticed one of Joanna’s pigtails had lost its knot and that she had a scar on her knee and that her hands were filthy with pen marks. So, just to be on the safe side, I’d made a quick call to Social Services and reported that maybe – and it was only ever ‘maybe’ - Joanna was suffering from neglect, end of story. Just as a precaution.

Well! I wish you could have heard Louise’s reaction. None of the ladies in the Home had ever heard the like! How-dare-you this, and I’ve-never-been-so that, and my-heart-is-well-and-truly-broken; until eventually I said, Listen, Louise, I might have been right, I might have been wrong, I just didn’t want it on my conscience in the future if I’d done nothing. Apart from anything else, I didn’t fancy getting a mini-cab there and back to the Inquiry.

And then I said, and another thing, changing the subject, you need to lose some weight, darling. Why not try just having fruit for lunch?

Well, even that tip for her own good didn’t calm Louise down. So once again, she left the Home on bad terms with me - and all because I happen to care about her own daughter more than she does (though she owes me £16.75)!

Louise One-Hundred-Per-Cent Ruins My Birthday

Many Happy Returns? Many Unhappy returns! Unhappy, not happy. I think I've had probably the worst returns ever!

My birthday was going to be so lovely! I’d made my birthday list (premium bonds, or failing that, pounds Stirling); my best friend Dolly was organizing a wonderful party (in lieu of getting me premium bonds); and my gorgeous nephew Michael was going to come over to help me blow out the candles on the cake which Margaret (who runs the Home) had promised to prepare.

I was so excited I couldn’t sleep the night before – or at least, although I cried myself to sleep like I usually do because of all the terrible things that have happened in my life, all the people who have let me down and not been what they seemed, I soon woke up with excitement, and then had to re-cry myself to sleep all over again.

Anyway, next morning, after my birthday breakfast, I didn’t want to be too sleepy for my party, so I went up to bed and had a snack. I keep fishballs and peanuts in my bedside table and I’ve found if you put two fishballs in your mouth and then cram about ten nuts in and eat them all at the same time, you get a lovely flavour.

Anyway, soon I was woken up by Margaret telling me to get ready! And when I went downstairs, I couldn’t believe my eyes! What a party Dolly had laid on. Normally any functions in the Home are in the dining room, but Dolly had obviously pulled a few strings because my party was being held – guess where?...In the small television room, no less!

There was food (mutton pie), drink (a teapot of tea), and even decorations (torn up newspaper hanging from the lampshade). And everyone was there! Me, Dolly, and a funny little nurse whose name I can't remember (I didn't bother inviting Benny).

And there, to cap it all, sitting in the big armchair, was my darling nephew Michael, come to wish his auntie Mitzi 'Happy Birthday!' I gave him such kisses he nearly ended up in hospital! (In fact, he’s told me that sometimes after I’ve kissed him, he has to rub cream into his chin otherwise it gets very red and sore.)

And the first thing he said was, Where’s that cake? Where’s that cake, I’m dying of starvation for a bit of cake! Well, we all roared with laughter, and Margaret brought out the cake. And as you can see from the picture, she’d really gone to town. She said she’d made sure herself that one of the staff had gone to Londis to get it, because it’s the personal touch that makes the difference.

Then Michael said, Come on Auntie Mitzi, blow out your candles, and make a birthday wish! I said, I’m so happy, I don’t know what to wish for! Michael said, There must be something! So I had a think, and then I closed my eyes…


Well, I must have blown out the candles in the wrong way or something. Because instead of my wish coming true, it came untrue – the opposite! The complete opposite! Because suddenly, standing in front of me, was Louise, Michael’s wife! Yes, Louise, who hadn’t visited me once in the hospital after my Fall, not once! But now – now she was visiting me in the Home. A total visit-hypocrite, not visiting in one place, but visiting another!

And like I say, it was the exact opposite of my wish! For one thing, she was alive, and for another there wasn’t one little fragment, not a single splinter, of glass or steel stuck into her cheeks or neck or earhole. Far from it! She looked one-hundred-per-cent fit, grinning like a monkey, and saying, Happy Birthday, Auntie Mitzi! Happy Birthday, Auntie Mitzi! And then handing me an envelope! Well, when I opened it (very unwillingly, I might add), inside were two hundred pounds of premium bonds...

Well, that was the last straw. I’d had enough! You can’t buy Mitzi Sheinman because she won’t be bought! I grabbed the cake and I looked Louise in the eye...


I said, Excuse me, my darling, my miss madame! Do you really think you can buy my affection with premium bonds? She said, Oh sorry, auntie, I didn’t mean it like that, but if you don’t want to keep them, I’ll totally understand.

I said, Don’t want to keep them? Don’t want to keep them? I said, Oh I’m going to keep them, don’t worry about that – but only under protest! Under the greatest possible protest! And then I said (and I meant this with all my heart), And if you ever, ever try to bribe your way into my affections like this again, I shall accept those bonds, or cash, or cheque or whatever it is, under even greater protest, and that’s a promise!

And with that, I went straight up to my room. Michael tried to persuade me to come back down but I’ve stayed up here ever since, eating fishballs and nuts and checking and rechecking that I haven’t won on the premium bonds (there’s a million pounds to be won every month).