The Holiday From Hell - Literally

Once again, a horrible summer holiday!

My nephew Michael invited me to stay with him and my niece-in-law-by-marriage Louise. They’d rented a villa some place in Italy, whose name I forget and even if I hadn’t forgotten it, I don’t think I’d want to remember it; or if I did remember it, I’d want to try and forget it again – that was the kind of holiday it was. I can’t tell you.

Firstly, the weather. The sun never stopped shining. Not once. So depressing. So I sat in my deckchair in the shade all day, and the only way of cooling down was this silly swimming pool they had which Joanna, their little daughter, did nothing but splash around in. I kept on telling her she was wasting water by splashing it everywhere, but she wouldn’t listen. I ended up coming down in the middle of the night to puncture her water-wings. It was the only way she’d learn about the importance of conserving water. What if there’d been a drought?

Michael kept on saying, Come in for a dip, Auntie! Come in for a dip! I just said, Ooh no darling, and sat in the deckchair in the shade.

Then there was the food! Talk about crummy! Pasta this and pasta that, all in some soppy sauce! I said to Michael, I’m easy, you don’t need to make all that, I’ll just have a few fish balls and then some custard. But he said, Oh just try it, Auntie! You might become a convert to Italian cuisine. I laughed! And then I said, Ooh no darling, I don’t want to get tummy trouble. And I was proved right because I didn’t get tummy trouble the whole time I was there – that was the best thing about the holiday!

Anyway, if I’m not having a nice time, I’m the kind of person who likes to make everyone else have one instead. Not just a nice time on this holiday, but future holidays. So as soon as we arrived at the villa I said to Michael and Louise that next time they should book a place that’s bigger and with a nicer atmosphere. And every day I was giving Louise cooking tips, and tips about her looks, and even about her social skills and personality – the tips I gave her about her personality were probably the most useful.

I also gave her my ideas about the ways she was bringing Joanna up wrong and also how I worried about Michael not being happy in his marriage. So I was the perfect guest and I’ve got nothing to reproach myself for in that regard.

Anyway, when Michael and Louise dropped me off at the Home, after we’d flown back to Gatwick, instead of complaining or moaning – which I would have been well within my rights to do - I was very gracious. I said there was no need for either of them to apologize about the holiday – I didn’t blame them.

I did say to Louise that a bunch of flowers wouldn’t go amiss – just to say Sorry Auntie! Anyway, a few days have passed and nothing’s been delivered, but no surprises there. She’ll have to butter me up a lot more than that if she wants me to go next year…