My Faith Restored in the British Legal System

I have had a sword hanging over me, literally. By which I mean, the sword of Dolly Finegold. Dolly took me to the Committee at the Home, claiming that I stole her special cake from her son.

I was due to appear before the Committee today at one o’clock. And Michael arrived at twelve to prepare our case. I’d been feeling under a lot of stress so I’m the first to admit I’d frassed a number of fishballs (13) in order to relax me.

Anyway, Michael took me into the small television room to prepare my case (just like they do in LA Law). I ate a few more fishballs (6) and he looked me in the eye and said, Auntie Mitzi, did you steal Dolly’s cake? Suddenly, I couldn’t lie to him – he’s such a nosh! And he visits me twice a week (except when he goes to Pirates for his back). I admitted everything! I said, Oh Michael, darling, I did steal the cake! But I regret it, oh I regret it, darling! (And then I told him what I also regretted – even more than the cake - was his marrying Louise. Because she’s a taker.)

Anyway, he looked very disappointed and said, Well, I don’t know what I’m going to say now to the Committee. Then the Committee called us in to the room next to the kitchen. And so there was I, eating fishballs; and there was Michael, who didn’t even know if he was going to defend me; and there was Dolly, my Accuser, sitting next to Margaret at the Committee table with all the other members!

Anyway, I was in such a state that I put the last four fishballs into my mouth all at once. But one ball squeezed out of my cheek, dropped and rolled on to the carpet; and then the heel of my slipper caught on it, and I tripped! Well! I went down bump! And as I went bump, I swallowed the other three fishballs and they went the wrong way down the left-hand side of my windpipe – and suddenly I couldn’t breath!

Everyone rushed over to me! Michael was saying, Auntie Mitzi, Auntie Mitzi! But there was nothing I could do, my windpipe was crammed tight with minced fish! I could see my life flash before me as I drowned in what, just a few seconds ago, had seemed a very flavoursome snack! I was struggling to mouth my last words to Michael (“Divorce her…divorce her…”), when suddenly I felt a pressure on my chest and – woosh! The wedged fishball flew out of my windpipe! I could breathe again! And then I think passed out.

When I woke up, there were Dolly and Michael sitting next to me at my bedside. Michael said Dolly had performed the Himmler Manoeuvre. The first thing I said was: I forgive you! To Dolly. She’d helped me in my hour of need and it was time to let bygones be bygones.

So now, Dolly and I are best friends again. I’ve forgiven her for reporting me to the Committee (though I can never forget as long as I live), and the Committee never reached a verdict, so I'm in the clear. Which makes me think Jeremy Kylie is right, Britain has the best Legal System of Justice in the world.