The Apprentice: Week 1 (and Fishballs and the Election)

Sometimes people say to me, Oh Mitzi, it must get very dull being in the Home, there's nothing to do! I wish they could have been with me this week, and then see what they think. I'm literally breathless! I can't catch my breath because things have been happening so quickly around here.

Firstly, the new Apprentice started with Sir Alan Lord Sugar, which I every much enjoyed, though the contestants seem to get younger every year! That seems to be the way nowadays, everything for the youth! In fact, I even noticed on the BBC News they've made a schoolboy, Little Michael Gove I call him, to be the head of education! which I think is wonderful, because he'll know what children today really want. He's such a nosh, I can't tell you what I'd like to do to his cheeks. If he wanted to have a sleepover here, I'd be first in the queue.

Karen and Nick seem a bit frosty with one another, but then you can't expect too much from Nick, he only divorced Margaret a little while ago. As for the hairy chap who couldn't put together his lunch boxes because he had wind, I thought Sir Alan Lord Sugar was very unfair - I've had wind just like that and it's hard to put your mind to anything else.

But so the Apprentice starting, that's one thing that happened. Secondly, there's been a delay in my appearing before the Committee about stealing Dolly's special cake. Not till Monday week now. Anyway, for the next ten days I'm going to try and get Dolly to put aside all her differences with me in a 'spirit of unity', just like David Cameroon and Nick Legg did for the national good, and in order that they could beat Tony Brown and become Prime Ministers.

So that's another thing. THIRDLY, I haven't eat a single fishball for two days now as I've run out, apart from the ones I frass at night from my bedside table, which don't count.

Busy enough? I think so! Last night I didn't even have to cry myself to sleep like I usually do, I just fell off anyway. That's the kind of week it's been.I tell you, I wouldn't mind if I could do a swap with Cameroon and Legg. All they seem to do is sit around gassing and smiling and holding hands with one another or their dolly birds! I bet they wouldn't swap with me, they'd be exhausted!