Benny's Damp Squib Literally

Well that was a fuss over nothing.

Benny Shooster, one of the old boys in the Home, asked me out for a special romantic dinner! He came up to me at breakfast on Wednesday morning and said: Mitzi, it would be a great pleasure and privilege if you would accompany me to a restaurant on the first Thursday evening of this present week (tomorrow). And then he said, You're my everything, Mitzi, my X-Factor, my Britain's Got Talent, my Big Brother all rolled into one! (I didn't really like him saying I was his big brother, but otherwise it was a lovely compliment.) Well! I was so excited! I started to imagine every moment of that special evening...

Firstly, I was sure Benny would book us up at a very expensive restaurant (he made a pretty penny from his clip-folder business). Once we'd sat down, I'd get the waiter to bring us some bread rolls, and I'd eat my roll quickly; and immediately afterwards, if Benny wasn't a gentleman and didn't let me eat his, I'd catch the waiter's eye and ask for another roll, so I'd be ahead of the game from the start.

Then I'd get Benny to order all three courses; I'd probably start with the soup, as long as it wasn't carrot - I can't stand sweet soups, they taste like dessert! - then perhaps the fish, with a lovely big pudding (and cream) to finish. Then maybe I'd get Benny to ask nicely for some of those petit fours things with our coffee, and even if I didn't have room to finish them all, they'd be small enough to slip into my bag without Benny noticing, and I could nosh them while I was watching the repeat of Countdown when I'd gone to bed.

I also had a funny feeling that Benny might use this occasion to give me a wonderful intimate gift; namely, a pearl necklace I'd spotted in the second drawer down in his bedside cupboard. It's his deceased wife Leslie's favourite piece of jewelry, and is of great sentimental value.

(I'd certainly treasure it, because I know for a fact it's worth in the thousands, and no, that's not an exaggeration. What's more, if me and Benny ever go our separate ways, it won't matter - I checked with my nephew Michael: as a gift, it would all be legally binding and Benny could sue me to the hills to get the necklace back and it wouldn't matter a jot. Even if he died, his estate couldn't touch me.)

So as you can see, I was all set for a wonderful night.

But then it all fell flat at a pancake! Thursday night arrived and I was in the middle of unpacking my smartest bra (M & S) from its packaging - but I was going at a snail's pace because some of the staples were almost impossible to pull out - when Benny knocked on the door. He said, Oh Mitzi, I'm terribly sorry, there's been a bit of a hold-up because I forgot to book the mini-cab. So I said, That's fine, Benny. But then a minute later, he knocked again and said, There's another problem, because Margaret (who runs the Home) says she has to have at least one day's warning if any of the residents are going to go out for the evening. Then it turned out Benny'd forgotten the name of the restaurant and he'd also forgotten to ask his daughter to get some money out for him, so he couldn't pay for the meal anyway.

So finally, I took matters into my own hands, and I went to see Margaret myself. She's a lovely, caring person and I knew she'd want to do whatever she could to help. So I explained all the mix-ups and I said, Listen, Margaret, I've been so looking forward to this evening, maybe Benny can pay for the food on his credit card, we can order the mini-cab to come now, and next time we promise to make sure to remember to tell you that we're planning to go out in advance. She said, No, I have to have more warning. I said, Oh that's such a shame, I was so looking forward to it. She said, There's nothing more I can do. And she really had done all she could, she's such a lovely person.

Anyway, it's probably a good thing we didn't go, because as it happens, while all this was going on, Benny had to go to the toilet and he was there for a good hour, apparently in some discomfort. So do you know what? I thought to hell with it! I took my bra straight off and put it right back in its packaging for another day; I even restapled the straps, so it would keep its shape.

And well done Mitzi! Because this morning I had some good news. Benny's said to me our evening is postponed, not cancelled! He's thinking to do it all again soon, when he's got time to plan things and after he's seen the specialist.

So who knows, I may yet have my romantic meal! Watch this space!