Benny's Damp Squib Literally

Well that was a fuss over nothing.

Benny Shooster, one of the old boys in the Home, asked me out for a special romantic dinner! He came up to me at breakfast on Wednesday morning and said: Mitzi, it would be a great pleasure and privilege if you would accompany me to a restaurant on the first Thursday evening of this present week (tomorrow). And then he said, You're my everything, Mitzi, my X-Factor, my Britain's Got Talent, my Big Brother all rolled into one! (I didn't really like him saying I was his big brother, but otherwise it was a lovely compliment.) Well! I was so excited! I started to imagine every moment of that special evening...

Firstly, I was sure Benny would book us up at a very expensive restaurant (he made a pretty penny from his clip-folder business). Once we'd sat down, I'd get the waiter to bring us some bread rolls, and I'd eat my roll quickly; and immediately afterwards, if Benny wasn't a gentleman and didn't let me eat his, I'd catch the waiter's eye and ask for another roll, so I'd be ahead of the game from the start.

Then I'd get Benny to order all three courses; I'd probably start with the soup, as long as it wasn't carrot - I can't stand sweet soups, they taste like dessert! - then perhaps the fish, with a lovely big pudding (and cream) to finish. Then maybe I'd get Benny to ask nicely for some of those petit fours things with our coffee, and even if I didn't have room to finish them all, they'd be small enough to slip into my bag without Benny noticing, and I could nosh them while I was watching the repeat of Countdown when I'd gone to bed.

I also had a funny feeling that Benny might use this occasion to give me a wonderful intimate gift; namely, a pearl necklace I'd spotted in the second drawer down in his bedside cupboard. It's his deceased wife Leslie's favourite piece of jewelry, and is of great sentimental value.

(I'd certainly treasure it, because I know for a fact it's worth in the thousands, and no, that's not an exaggeration. What's more, if me and Benny ever go our separate ways, it won't matter - I checked with my nephew Michael: as a gift, it would all be legally binding and Benny could sue me to the hills to get the necklace back and it wouldn't matter a jot. Even if he died, his estate couldn't touch me.)

So as you can see, I was all set for a wonderful night.

But then it all fell flat at a pancake! Thursday night arrived and I was in the middle of unpacking my smartest bra (M & S) from its packaging - but I was going at a snail's pace because some of the staples were almost impossible to pull out - when Benny knocked on the door. He said, Oh Mitzi, I'm terribly sorry, there's been a bit of a hold-up because I forgot to book the mini-cab. So I said, That's fine, Benny. But then a minute later, he knocked again and said, There's another problem, because Margaret (who runs the Home) says she has to have at least one day's warning if any of the residents are going to go out for the evening. Then it turned out Benny'd forgotten the name of the restaurant and he'd also forgotten to ask his daughter to get some money out for him, so he couldn't pay for the meal anyway.

So finally, I took matters into my own hands, and I went to see Margaret myself. She's a lovely, caring person and I knew she'd want to do whatever she could to help. So I explained all the mix-ups and I said, Listen, Margaret, I've been so looking forward to this evening, maybe Benny can pay for the food on his credit card, we can order the mini-cab to come now, and next time we promise to make sure to remember to tell you that we're planning to go out in advance. She said, No, I have to have more warning. I said, Oh that's such a shame, I was so looking forward to it. She said, There's nothing more I can do. And she really had done all she could, she's such a lovely person.

Anyway, it's probably a good thing we didn't go, because as it happens, while all this was going on, Benny had to go to the toilet and he was there for a good hour, apparently in some discomfort. So do you know what? I thought to hell with it! I took my bra straight off and put it right back in its packaging for another day; I even restapled the straps, so it would keep its shape.

And well done Mitzi! Because this morning I had some good news. Benny's said to me our evening is postponed, not cancelled! He's thinking to do it all again soon, when he's got time to plan things and after he's seen the specialist.

So who knows, I may yet have my romantic meal! Watch this space!

A Carpet Catastrophe Literally

My week's ended very badly, darling, which is such a shame because it started off very well. I've got a beaux! As I mentioned last time, Benny Shooster, one of the old chaps in the Home, has grown quite keen on me and it's very flattering! I must say he says some lovely things to me. Last Sunday night he said, I want to thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, Mitzi, for being such a Lovely Lady.

The trouble is, I think he wants more from this relationship than I do. For example he wanted to sit and watch television by the radiator in the small television room, but I told him, I'm not ready for the radiator yet. He got quite upset (a bit tearful, coughing a bit, then making little movements with his knees), so I said, Listen, Benny, if that's all you're after, go and ask Dolly. I'm sure she'll sit by the radiator with you, I think she'd sit by the radiator with anyone in trousers! That's the kind of lady Dolly is, that's why some of the male residents call her Radiator Rachel! But I don't like the radiator, and if that's what you want, then maybe this isn't going to work. He said, But I don't want Dolly. I want you, Mitzi, because you're a Lovely Lady. I said, Listen, Benny, I don't even know what it is you see in me!

So he took me aside up to his bedroom where we could talk properly. And he said, Listen Mitzi. Both of our lives have been marred by tragedy. You've been betrayed and let down by people all your life, as you've told me, and I've experienced some awful things as well. And I'd like to share them with you now, because I feel our relationship has reached that point. So anyway, he went on to tell me what these tragedies were - I don't know, his son or his wife had died suddenly, or got run over, and then his mother - something to do with his mother, or his brother - murdered, or they murdered someone else, I really wasn't listening -

Because the point is, what I did notice was that Benny had a new carpet laid down in his bedroom!

So I interrupted him (he was getting quite emotional), and I said to him, Excuse me Benny, how come you've got this new carpet in your bedroom? It turned out that while I was in hospital after my fall, about half of the residents of the Home got a new carpet in their bedroom. Including, I might add, Radiator Rachel herself, Dolly Finegold, my so-called Best Friend!

Anyway, I was fit to spit! I'd been making do with my old carpet while everyone else has been enjoying walking and what-not on their new one! So I made a big decision. I took matters into my own hands, and on Wednesday, I ordered my own carpet for my bedroom on the Home's computer! I couldn't wait to see Dolly's face when I stood on it!

Anyway, I was so excited all day Thursday, waiting for it to be delivered and then this morning, Friday, I could hardly eat my breakfast I was so on edge! But I waited and waited, and nothing. So after a little while, I went up to my room to have a fishball to calm myself down, when suddenly there was a kerfuffle downstairs and Margaret burst into my bedroom! She said, Mitzi! Did you order carpet! I had to admit it. I said, I'm sorry Margaret but everyone else has got a new one, so I took matters into my own hands! She said, Well they're trying to deliver it now.

The way she said it made me look through my bedroom window and double-parked outside the Home was a huge lorry, the size of a tanker. Some workmen were exiting the back of it holding roll after roll of carpet the same length as the tanker! I nearly had a heart attack. I said, What's going on? Margaret said, Well, Mitzi, I think you must have over-ordered.

I had over-ordered. I must have pressed the button wrong on the computer, or held it down or something, because it turned out I'd ordered six thousand square feet of industrial carpet, at a total price of £292,000.

I didn't know what to do! I was in such a state. I said to the workmen who were unloading the carpet, I'm very sorry, darling, there's been a mistake! I don't want as much as this, maybe we can come to a compromise, how about that? One of the workman said, How many square feet do you need then? I said it depends whether you do under my bedroom sink (which is currently lino-ed) or not.

Anyway, Margaret called my nephew Michael and then Michael called me, and then Michael called Margeret again and luckily it was all sorted out. But they took all the carpet away leaving me with the old one which I can hardly stand to walk on now. And I even had to pay them for the trouble of delivering all that carpet I didn't want! The only good thing was that Benny was very nice about it and comforted me and called me a Lovely Lady again (though if he thinks that's getting me to the radiator, he can think again)

Junior Apprentice: Who will Win? Mitzi's Perspective

My best friend Dolly says I've got a seventh sense about things, and it's true, I'm never wrong. I predicted who would win Britain's Got Talent! At least, they would have won if they'd got more votes. I got the X Factor right as well, except they didn't get to the final, but they would have won if they had. So now, everyone's asking, can you do it again, Mitzi? Can you get it right a third time, with the Junior Apprentice show? Well, let's see if my seventh sense is working!

The key is Sir Alan Lord Sugar of Alan. What's going on in his mind. I'm a very good judge of character - which is why I never married - and I've been studying the Lord very carefully the entire series. I know what makes him tick! And that's how I know who he's going to chose.

You see my seventh sense tells me Lord Alan doesn't think much of any of the candidates. I think he feels very let down by Arjun, Zoe, Kirsty and Tim - all of them. They only visit him once a week. And when they do visit him, they never bring flowers or even a treat, like just a snacky thing from M&S (I'm a nut for their mini-bagel bites), as though they've only come to see him out of duty. They never take him out or ask him round for dinner. Even a phone call, they never seem to phone him, he has to phone them in the morning so he can give them their task! And they never give him a lift, I've noticed he always has to get a mini-cab back to the Home.

I think he cries himself to sleep at night because his ungrateful apprentices don't care enough about him. All they're really interested in is his money. After all that he's done for them, and at his age as well.

And that's why I think there's going to be a twist in the tale! The Lord isn't going to chose any of the candidates to be his Junior Apprentice!

He's going to chose Nick! That's right, Nick. Can you imagine how surprised Nick'll be? How his face will light up? He'll say, Why me, Uncle Alan? And Sir Alan will say, Because you've been as good as gold all series! And then Nick will say, But what job am I going to do for you Uncle Alan? And Sir Sugar's going to say, You'll be my Chief Mischief Maker!

And then he'll give Nick a pea-shooter, and Nick will fire it at him and Sir Alan will be about to get very cross and shout at Nick! But then at the last moment, Nick will give one of his cheeky grins, and Sir Alan will say, I can't stay cross at you for long! And he'll give Nick a great big hug and a kiss on the lips. And then another kiss, just for luck! And then a third one. And then at least two more, both on the lips, including the third one, so all of them in other words.

So that's my prediction! Nick to win the Junior Apprentice! (And I'll enjoy watching that Karen's expression when she finds out; her nose will be right out of joint.)

Junior Apprentice, Week 4: Mitzi's Perspective

It's good news for Sir Alan of Sugar this week because Mitzi Sheinman's giving him the big thumb's up! I think he chose the right one to go in this week's Junior Apprentice! I've never been a fan of blondes (or brunettes, for that matter, or redheads (!), or any colour hair if it's a woman whose hair it is) but I think Lord Sir Alan was absolutely right to get rid of Hannah because, as he said, she was all very well in practice but what about on paper? Also, I didn't care for that mini-skirt she was always wearing, like she was on Top of the Pops!

Mind you, when it comes to blondes, I can't bear that Zoe! We all talk about her while we're watching in the Home. Her last name's Plummer, apparently, and Zuzzi said maybe she's Christopher Plummer's daughter from the Sound of Music, so I said, but I'm sure she's not a nun; and then Zuzzi said, well she wouldn't be anyway, because Christopher Plummer's an actor. And then Benny Shooster said, And Christopher Plummer wasn't a nun, he was a Captain. And I said, anyway, it was all made up. And then Dolly said, if her name was Zoe Andrews, then she might be a nun. Which was a very good point, because she meant Julie Andrews. And then I said, Oh what a voice. Pure as a bell. So we settled that one very amicably (the standard of conversation in the small television room is very, very high) but the point is, I've started to call Zoe "Silly Cynthia"! Whenever she comes on, I say, "Here's Silly Cynthia!", and it's a very good nickname! Everyone laughs - Dolly nearly swallowed her tangerine segment she was laughing so much. I don't know what made me come up with it.

Anyway, speaking of Benny Shooster, I think he's getting quite keen on me. He keeps on telling me not only am I beautiful on the outside, but I'm also beautiful on the inside. He meant to leave me some lovely white roses outside my door, but he got a bit mixed up and ended up leaving them outside Toilet Number 31 on the fourth floor and one of the old dears took a tumble and has to have another hip replacement. But it was very thoughtful of him, and I'm very flattered. I'm not giving him too much encouragement as I'm not ready to settle down yet. But I'm very flattered. Very flattered indeed.

VERDICT: Well done, Sir Alan! I agree one hundred and ten per cent literally that you got rid of one of the girls.

(One last thing: a lot of women have written in agreeing with me how much they'd like to give Nick a really good tea, and I was thinking the same thing again watching this week's Junior Apprentice; except not just a tea, but a nice hot bath as well! His knees would stick out of the hot water, and I'd give them a good scrub with the sponge, and then he'd say: "More hot, auntie!"; then he'd get into his pajamas and dressing gown and I'd give him baked beans on toast (though not if I'd given him tea as well, in which case it's straight up to bed, no books).

Junior Apprentice: Week 3, Mitzi's Perspective

I don’t know how that man could do it. Such a lovely boy! How could Sir Alan Lord Sugar get rid of Rhys? He had such a nice smile and lovely manners! And he spoke so clearly. And his lovely little face. And he’s just a schoolboy! I cried myself to sleep last night after he’d been fired (not for the first time – and not for the first time thanks to Sir Alan Lord Sugar: that man!).

And it’s not just Lord Alan I’m cross with – it’s the other members of Rhys’s team. The way they ganged up against him. And all because he was such a good leader! He did everything right in my opinion. Whenever anyone had an idea, he’d say: that’s a good idea, do that. Very encouraging. And when he wasn’t approving other people’s ideas, he was walking around looking very upright and serious, just like a young Prince Charles. Again, very encouraging. And in the board room at the end, I thought he behaved with great dignity, when he accused everyone else of being in the wrong. To me he was a Noble Schoolboy.

In fact, speaking of schoolboys. I think it’s quite unfair that all the growns-ups, Sir Alan and Lady Karen and Nick, wear such grown up clothes. It must be very frightening for those kids! I’d like to see Sir Alan and the other two wearing school uniform to put the apprentices at their ease – I’d very much like to see Sir Alan and Nick wearing school uniforms.

They could both wear caps, with muddy cheeks, and dirty knees even! And Nick’s got a lovely cheeky grin. There could even be a ‘spin-off’ series, I think they call it, where Sir Alan and Nick get into scrapes, but it’s all OK in the end. And then viewers could write in to get to give them both a lovely tea – I’d certainly write in to do that, and so would some of the other ladies in the Home. I’d like to give Nick a great big tea. Really fill his plate. Watch him gobble it all down and then ask for “More, please, auntie!” I could really enjoy watching him tucking into buns and things. And so could some of the other ladies.

VERDICT: Absolutely no, not guilty, Rhys! Sir Alan Sugar should have got rid of one of the girls, as girls haven’t got a head for business.

Actually, I was also upset that Adam left as well. I think he’d eaten too many of those cakes and got a tummy ache, a bit like Nick might do if he ate too much of my tea. I’d quite like to give Adam a big tea, when he’s a bit older.

My Faith Restored in the British Legal System

I have had a sword hanging over me, literally. By which I mean, the sword of Dolly Finegold. Dolly took me to the Committee at the Home, claiming that I stole her special cake from her son.

I was due to appear before the Committee today at one o’clock. And Michael arrived at twelve to prepare our case. I’d been feeling under a lot of stress so I’m the first to admit I’d frassed a number of fishballs (13) in order to relax me.

Anyway, Michael took me into the small television room to prepare my case (just like they do in LA Law). I ate a few more fishballs (6) and he looked me in the eye and said, Auntie Mitzi, did you steal Dolly’s cake? Suddenly, I couldn’t lie to him – he’s such a nosh! And he visits me twice a week (except when he goes to Pirates for his back). I admitted everything! I said, Oh Michael, darling, I did steal the cake! But I regret it, oh I regret it, darling! (And then I told him what I also regretted – even more than the cake - was his marrying Louise. Because she’s a taker.)

Anyway, he looked very disappointed and said, Well, I don’t know what I’m going to say now to the Committee. Then the Committee called us in to the room next to the kitchen. And so there was I, eating fishballs; and there was Michael, who didn’t even know if he was going to defend me; and there was Dolly, my Accuser, sitting next to Margaret at the Committee table with all the other members!

Anyway, I was in such a state that I put the last four fishballs into my mouth all at once. But one ball squeezed out of my cheek, dropped and rolled on to the carpet; and then the heel of my slipper caught on it, and I tripped! Well! I went down bump! And as I went bump, I swallowed the other three fishballs and they went the wrong way down the left-hand side of my windpipe – and suddenly I couldn’t breath!

Everyone rushed over to me! Michael was saying, Auntie Mitzi, Auntie Mitzi! But there was nothing I could do, my windpipe was crammed tight with minced fish! I could see my life flash before me as I drowned in what, just a few seconds ago, had seemed a very flavoursome snack! I was struggling to mouth my last words to Michael (“Divorce her…divorce her…”), when suddenly I felt a pressure on my chest and – woosh! The wedged fishball flew out of my windpipe! I could breathe again! And then I think passed out.

When I woke up, there were Dolly and Michael sitting next to me at my bedside. Michael said Dolly had performed the Himmler Manoeuvre. The first thing I said was: I forgive you! To Dolly. She’d helped me in my hour of need and it was time to let bygones be bygones.

So now, Dolly and I are best friends again. I’ve forgiven her for reporting me to the Committee (though I can never forget as long as I live), and the Committee never reached a verdict, so I'm in the clear. Which makes me think Jeremy Kylie is right, Britain has the best Legal System of Justice in the world.

Junior Apprentice: Week 2, Mitzi's Perspective

Hallo Darling,

Another lovely episode of the Apprentice. The task this week was to try and make something that would be impossible under any circumstances to use when you're going camping - a message I approve of, because it's so dangerous nowadays.

Anyway, the kids came up with some wonderful ideas, including a chest of drawers that could dissolve in water and drown you, and a small tray with wheels, that you could trip up on and break your neck if you went for a you-know-what outside the tent during the night. The chest of drawers was absolutely lovely because it was made of reinforced cardboard (which I think is cardboard enforced with more cardboard), and also because you could keep your shoes in it: there's quite a lot of things you can say that about, you can keep your shoes in shoeboxes, after all, or cupboards, or plastic bags, or cars, but it was wonderful that Adam had thought to design something special to do this. I thought that showed great originality, and he's such a lovely boy.

I thought Lord Sir Alan Lord Sugar faced a very difficult decision in the boardroom. Zoe had done everything right, but she's confident and blonde, three things which always ring alarm bells (the three things being: confidence, blondeness and that she's a she). Of course, Lord Sir Alan was never going to get rid of Adam - he's cut from the same cloth and obviously reminds Sir Sugar not so much of what he was like when he was a boy himself, but of what he's like now himself - because he makes terrible business decisions. But I very much liked Hibah, she was incapable of saying anything good about anyone or anything, which to me is always a good human quality.

VERDICT: in the end, Sir Alan made the RIGHT decision for the second week running, though I regret that he keeps on saying 'with regret' which I don't believe for a second. I think that's his favourite bit of the show!

Finally, Nick's expressions have been even more horrid this series, I wonder if he's got something wrong with his bottom? Or just with his lips? Or are the two somehow connected?